Wednesday, June 13, 2012

I'm an architect

When I found out last year that we would be building a new home, I immediately started looking at online house plans. I looked at house plans every single day. I'm talking so many house plans that I now consider myself to be an architect.

Of course, Tractor Dan's idea of the house in which we will grow old was very different than mine. 

Dan's dream home looked a little like this:  
photo from Tumbleweed Homes

Mine looked like this:  

photo from

I can hear you right now. "SQUEEEEEE!!!" Of course, my choice is perfect....if we lived in The Hamptons, or had eleventy billion dollars. He won that round, I had to look for another house plan.

Every time I emailed him and attached a new "perfect" house plan, he shot me down with one of the following replies: 

"Too big" 

"Too stupid" 

"Too gaudy" 

"WTF is a gathering room, and what are we supposed to be gathering?" 

"We don't need a morning room, you hate morning." 

"We don't need all those bedrooms, that will make the kids think they can move back home."  

"Butler's pantry? You have a butler?" 

"What is wrong with you?" 

I had to remember that our kids are gone, that we don't need that much room, and how hard it will be for the maid me to clean when I am old. So, I downsized. A lot. I also took into consideration the issues my parents are having with their house at their ages, so we will not have those same issues years from now. Thinking ahead....a foreign concept to me.

We are going to make all the doorways handicapped accessible, just in case. It's easier to make a door frame wider while building a house than it is to rip it out and make it smaller after it has been built. It will have an open floor plan, including a high-end kitchen with all the bells and whistles. Yeah, I am already working on that last one. How can he say no?

We will have only one bath tub for my future super-cute grandchildren, and walk-in showers for the other bathrooms. The showers will be stone, with no glass doors. I've never been fond of glass shower doors or shower curtains. And, not having a shower curtain will prevent this:

See, I'm thinking psycho ahead!

The house will have a walkout basement with a master suite, a small kitchen and a living area, in case our parents have to move in with us. (God help me baby Jesus.) It will also be nice for out of town guests.  

Dan wanted me to scrap the formal dining room. Not. Gonna. Happen. I use my dining room three times a year a lot, and I am not about to part with my dining room set. I won that round. Yay, me!!
The house will be a very open ranch, with only 2 bedrooms on the first floor. We want to keep the house, basement included, under 4000 sq. ft.

I told you I was an architect!

The exterior of the house will be a combination of these homes. Dan wants it to "be appropriate" for the property, whatever that means. We both like the southern farmhouse/low country look, so it will be interesting to see our architect's rendering. 
photo from Pinterest/Martha Stewart Living
photo from southern living house plans

photo from Pinterest/inspiredhomedesign

Tractor Dan wants a large screened-in porch on the back of the house, so he can watch the sunset. I want a large front porch, so I can watch the critters destroy my hostas and hydrangeas. I can already see myself knitting and sipping lemonade, as I rock in one of those old-timey rocking chairs. Except I don't knit, and probably should not be trusted with sharp pointy sticks. Realistically, I will be rocking away, throwing back a few martinis as I bitch about having crappy wireless out in the boondocks. Old ladies need the Facecrack!


  1. Too funny, and yes I think you are qualified to be an architect now!


  2. Thank you for my laugh of the day. I love your style of writing. And your description of the process is hilarious. :)


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